For June Ching, seeing her daughter leave for college on the Mainland was bittersweet.
Although she was proud, she also felt a sense of loss.
“I would sit in her room just to smell her lingering scent,” says Ching.
A psychologist, Ching understood she was experiencing empty nest syndrome, a sense
of loss and emptiness felt by some parents after their children have grown up and
left home. “This is part of giving your kids both roots and wings. Part of
our responsibility as parents is letting them gain their independence. Think of
it as a parenting job well done,” says Ching, past president of the American
Psychological Association.
Much of a parent’s life revolves around their children – helping them
with homework, taking them to music lessons, or attending their sporting events.
Parents can feel depressed once those activities stop and their children are no
longer home. Ching says parents should seek counseling if those feelings continue
to worsen. She recommends empty nesters to use the opportunity to focus more on
themselves and their marital relationship. “It’s a chance to revitalize
things,” she says.
In fact, more evidence shows that being an empty nester isn’t so bad after
all. Although children can add happiness and fulfillment in a marriage, the financial
and time constraints of child rearing can also add stress, particularly for women,
who typically have to balance a job with their parental and household duties. Studies
have shown that marital satisfaction improves after a child graduates from high
school and leaves home, allowing couples to spend more time together.
Take Marcus and Tammy Chun, whose lives were filled shuttling their daughter and
son to sporting events, football booster club meetings, and other school activities.
Their kids are now attending colleges on the Mainland. Although they miss having
their kids around, the Chuns are enjoying their newly found freedom.
“We have a lot more time together,” says Marcus. “We can go out
to eat or to the movies at the last minute. I get to golf more and work in the yard.
It was harder to do those things when they were home because we would have to drive
them places or get them home early to study.”
The Chuns say they mentally prepared themselves for being empty nesters when their
children were applying to Mainland colleges, so it wasn’t a big shock when
they left. It also makes the time they spend with their kids when they return home
during winter and summer breaks more meaningful.
“We miss them, but it’s easier knowing it’s a positive experience
for them to grow and experience life outside Hawai‘i,” says Tammy.
These days, online social networking tools, such as Facebook and Twitter, along
with online chat and text messaging, make it easier to stay connected.
Still, even though their kids are out of sight, they are never out of mind. “It
doesn’t matter how old they are, they are still our kids and we still care
and worry about them,” says Tammy.
And, of course, they can always come back home.